My journey through..

3 Jan

Two and a half years ago in July 2010 I celebrated my birthday and the 4th of July like a big-timer. I mean I had a party bus, hotel suite, new hair style, fancy duds (of course) and all my closest and dearest friends there.  That next week I returned to my great corporate job as a Strategic Marketing Communications Supervisor (fancy title right) where they gracefully walked me into the meeting room and without notice told me that today would be my last day.

“Do you have any questions” they asked”. “No.”, I responded. “Is there anything I can do for you” the CFO asked? “Am I allowed to transition over my work?” He just stared and then said of course. He was firing me and here I was trying to make sure I left them taken care of.

I guess I was supposed to blow up and lose it. Cry a couple of tears. Ask for a reason why or beg them to let me stay? But no, that wasn’t and isn’t my style. Did this suck? Yes. But I chose not to worry and look for the silver lining. I mean, worse things had happened. Just a couple months prior I had lost my condo to foreclosure. And before that I was laid off another job. Shit happens right? And crying wouldn’t keep it from happening to me. So I enrolled back in school and began what I can only describe as the greatest journey of my life.

During that time the trials and “dramadies” did not stop. Through a freak accident, I suddenly had to leave my “new” apartment and find some place to live practically overnight. Seriously, only I could live in a high rise apartment and have my place flooded. LOL. I temporarily moved in with a family member after being on my own since the age of 17 years old. I went through the most GOD awful depression of my life, at some point even contemplating drowning myself in the bathtub. It was awful, I was tired and I wanted to give up. BUT I didn’t. I couldn’t give up. Why you ask? Because of Dylan? Well, that would be the easy answer. BUT no, it wasn’t because of him, it was because of ME.  It was because there was something in me saying you better fucking fight. You’ve come too far to give up now. (I swear I am not about to burst into an old Negro hymn, lol).

Through all of this, the only thing that kept me moving forward was completing school. Not just the current semester, but actually graduating from College. School gave me a sense of purpose and direction that was just lacking everywhere else in my life. And on top of that, it gave me a sense of self. See, what you may not know or realize is that I had not graduated from anything since 8th grade. I dropped out of high school, got my GED and went straight to work.

I had worked VERY HARD to get to where I was professionally without the educational background that all my jobs required. And when I got to school I slowly realized that it wasn’t just the hard work that got me that far, but I was actually smart. Like, REALLY fucking smart! Ironically, I never knew that I was smart and each time I received an A or straight A’s while carrying 5 or 6 classes (this happened multiple times) I was actually shocked. But each time reaffirmed to me who I KNEW I was but was always afraid to be. A STAND OUT. Above average.  Wait, you mean to tell me I was awesome this whole damn time and didn’t know it! WHO KNEW! *smile* This journey wasn’t just about school and a paper degree as some may think. It was about REALIZING my value and finding out once and for all what I was made of.

With one more semester to go, I could smell and see the finish line. And life was looking up too! My boyfriend of 6 years had asked me to move in and marry him! GO TEAM. I was overwhelmed yet the idea of planning a wedding to the man I loved while graduating just felt like serendipity. Everything was coming full circle. didn’t. My fiancé wasn’t ready for marriage after all and wanted me to move on with my life as soon as I finished school. So now everything that I worked SO hard for suddenly had this stigma attached to it. I suddenly didn’t want to finish. I wanted to quit. Maybe I felt that if I didn’t finish school that somehow I could stop my relationship from ending. I was humiliated and heartbroken. I cancelled my wedding dress order, cancelled my location and informed my family and wedding party privately there would be no wedding. I stopped going to class, stopped doing homework. Stop leaving the house. I stop existing. SHIT this totally sucked. LIFE was not being fair at all. my Aunt Glo so wisely said. You live life, you don’t let it live you.

I had a decision to make. I could either keep letting life work me over or I could RESPOND on my terms in my way. So one day I just SNAPPED back to it. I bust my ass catching up on homework. Did as much extra credit as I could and POURED myself into my studies. I was going to graduate if it killed me! And I did! I fucking did it! And yes..I still did it with practically with straight A’s! It was a feeling I cannot yet describe. It was almost like being released from prison. The prison in my mind. The prison from all the labels people had heeped onto me. The prison of people who did not believe in me. The prison from even myself. I was free and my life could start. FINALLY.

I know some people wondered why I would whoop and holler about graduating from college so late in life. Especially when a lot of my friends have multiple degrees. BUT it was not about the destination. IT WAS ABOUT THE JOURNEY. I made it through and I am better woman, mother, friend, person for it.  This chapter of my life is closed (good riddance) and I look forward to the next chapter in my life.

Thank you and God Bless.

Graduation Day Swag

Graduation Day Swag


2 Responses to “My journey through..”

  1. Tete Toledo February 11, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

    FInishing College is a huge ahievement no matter the age… and you did it while also being a mother, and an awesome one at that… I SO ADMIRE YOU!!!!

    • TheHittList February 11, 2013 at 5:43 pm #

      Thank you! It was well worth it on some many levels.

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