For the sake of keeping it real I have to tell you guys that I have recently start lying about my age. Now before you start judging me let me first tell you why. I am 35 years old and I will be 36 in July. NOW, I do NOT look my age and never really cared about getting older. However, being 35 and NOT where you thought you’d be in your life has definitely affected me. I know it sounds super cliche’-ish but I thought I’d have a career, a substantial 501K, a husband and maybe a couple more kids by now (at least I’m keeping it real..don’t judge me). I feel like I’ve just figured out my purpose in life and finally figured out who I was. Saying that I’m 30 with this new found revelation sounds hopeful and optimistic while saying this at 36 sounds really fucking sad. At least it does to me. Now I didn’t say it was a good reason, I just said it was MY reason. Again, don’t judge me.
So anyhow, I’ll spare you the lecture on mother nature. I will however tell you that every couple years around my birthday my body morphs into this older woman’s body. One year it was sweating profusely for no reason out of no where even when it’s cold. Another year it was the slowing down of my metabolism of course. I could eat a cracker for an entire day and still gain 5 pounds. AND lets not even talk about when PMS got real and turned into World War 5, 6 AND 7. BUT the worse of all of these offenses would have to be the gray hairs on my vajayjay (aka vagina).
Seriously, why did no one warn me about this shit! It’s bad enough I had to color the hair on my head to cover those bad boys. BUT gray hairs on my sweet spot? OH..ET TU BRUTE? This is a crime. I don’t know how everyone else feels about their private parts by mine are like the fountain of youth. Everyone wants to get there because miracles happen down there. Gray hairs do not scream youth! They scream AARP in the voice of the elderly lady on the “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” commercial! So of course, I began on a mission to get rid of them fast.
First I tried just shaving them, but the only thing more unattractive than an old looking vagina is a bumpy ones. Hair bumps down there…SO not hot. Okay, what about waxing? Well, me being the budgeting diva that I am, I decided to purchase an at home kit and give it a go myself. Let me paint a picture of how this went. Take a jar of honey..heat it..now shellac it to your hair line. Now rip it off. Then spend an hour trying to figure out how to get the goo out of every place it was not supposed to go. YUP..that’s pretty much how it went.
My final coup de grace was plucking the little gray traders out. I’ll just let that sink in for a second because yes, I did say that I tried plucking my vajayjay hair. As I live and breath if I had never given birth I would not have thought that an area that normally gives so much pleasure could be the source for so much pain. With one foot on the edge of the bathtub and the other half hovering off the ground my hands took part in a very short, very unsuccessful seek and destroy mission. After about 5 hairs I was on the floor praying to any deity that would listen. I can not lie. THAT SHIT HURT.
So what’s a girl to do? Well..I’ve heard of this stuff called Malibu Betty that’s formulated for dying pubic hair. However, right now I’m single so I don’t care as much. And to be honest I’m really scared. It’d be just my luck I’ll break out in hives down there and look like a Planned Parenthood pamplet. So for the time being, me and the grays have agreed to make a truce. They don’t bother me and I don’t bother them. And should the time come where some man is lucky enough to visit the fountain of youth..it will be with the lights off.
*insert shoulder shrug*
The Mistress of All Things Fablulous