Whose Destiny Is That?

18 Jan

girl on floor cryingI sat on the bathroom floor last night and cried for what felt like hours. In reality it was probably more like 25 minutes. However in my heart it felt like an eternity. Nights are always hardest. Facebook slows down and the incessant posts become less and less frequent. The phone is quieted as friends and family commence with bedtime rituals. Email and text notifications stop chirping and all you’re left with are your thoughts. And in my case, a broken heart. At this point in my day, questions begin to formulate in my head without my permission. What went wrong? What did you do wrong? What could you have done better? Could you have been better????

In reality, when my head and heart are not plotting their nightly assault I really do understand that this was not my fault. Everyone is not meant to be your number one. As one of my dearest friends told me on her wedding day, “99 percent of the men you date will not be the one. Only 1 percent gets to make the cut.” So I get it.  I understand that every situation is not forever but if the ending of any relationship doesn’t cause you to ask some questions then I’d like to buy a piece of that bridge called denial you’re walking on.

A couple days ago a friend of mine who is a life coach posted something on her Facebook page asking some really tough questions.  Essentially she was asking each of her clients,  friends and fans to air out their dirty laundry. Not necessarily to the world or Facebook but to air out their dirty laundry to themselves. I wonder how many people actually did this?

People seem to have the hardest time admitting their own faults, their own issues and their own messes. It’s so much easier to walk in denial. Denial is like walking in traffic with a blindfold on. The only thing it does is keep you from seeing that truck that’s about to run you over. The only thing that keeps the truck from running you over is taking off the blindfold and getting the fuck out of traffic. Now, I don’t personally believe in living in denial but in reality I still have my moments. While I do accept who I am and I love who I am  and who I am becoming  I also know that I’m not perfect. So last night as I was having my come to Jesus moment I had to ask myself some tough questions.  Why does this hurt so bad? Why am I so angry? Why can’t I get past this?

I think the truth of the matter is that I am more angry at myself then I am with him.  I’m angry that I didn’t listen to my inner voice. I’m angry that I didn’t put myself first. But  the worst of them all is I’m angry that I didn’t honor and love myself enough to walk away when I was not getting what I wanted and needed. I gave my best and accepted someone else’s second best. That shit stings like a muthaf**er. There is this awesome woman by the name of Carolyn Myss (look her up). She once said that the worst betrayal is the betrayal of self. When you choose to ignore your inner voice and follow someone else is when you begin walking a life path that leads to someone else destiny. (I’m paraphrasing but it’s close enough..lol)

Now don’t go crying for me Argentina  (as the Madonna song goes). Yesterday is gone and today is a new day. A day filled with new hopes and new dreams to do better and be better. I’m not sad, I’m introspective (try it! ). But the reason I felt it was necessary to share this is because first, this was how I was feeling. It was either write the truth or write nothing at all. And you should know my stance on that. Secondly, and more importantly, over the course of the last few weeks I have had so many people write me privately about their own heart aches and breakups (both men and women). While I do want to encourage them to know that this too shall pass, it will get better, and eventually it does stop hurting;  I also want to encourage those who have been broken and heartbroken  to ask the tough questions.

No one wants to ask those questions. The answers often feel to difficult to bare. But that “baggage” we drag around doesn’t become any less heavy because we have chosen to ignore it. I’d rather ask now then spend the next decade or two walking in someone else’s destiny.

With love,

The Mistress of All Things Fabulous

**After thought** This isn’t about breakups. I’m using my story as the lesson and yes, my breakup caused me to ask tough questions. BUT tough questions should be asked in all situations. Breakups, Make ups, Jobs, Family, Finance, Career, Marriage, Divorce, Addictions. When you are feeling discord..when things aren’t feeling right. When something JUST ISN’T ADDING UP ask the tough questions. You owe it to your self. -M


5 Responses to “Whose Destiny Is That?”

  1. Tracie Diane January 18, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

    As a child who lived through domestic abuse situations, I had a routine. I’d go in the bathroom, sit on the floor with the phone in my hand and wait for my mama to say our code word before dialing 911. And now, when I feel upset or angry or frustrated with emotion, I go sit on my bathroom floor (and usually cry) to clear my mind. So when you said you’d been crying on the bathroom floor…I KNOW that level of hurt and confusion. I’ll just say this: I’ve been in a looooong relationship (7 years) that wasn’t hard for me to let go, I’ve been in not-so-long relationships that hurt me to the core. People make it seem like moving on is so easy and sometimes it is…but sometimes, it’s just NOT. There’s something that went left with you guys…but I promise you…because of this relationship, you’ll be able to easily recognize the RIGHT one when he presents himself. It’s a process. And I think you’re doing quite remarkable!

    • thehittlist January 18, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

      WOW Tracie. That was deep and touching and I think you for sharing it with ME and anyone else who reads it. And you are right. Moving on isn’t easy. And when it’s not you, you tend to forget that little fact. BUT everything does indeed happen for a reason. And I do believe it will be just as you said. I will be able to recognize “him” !

  2. Mrs. Shah January 18, 2013 at 5:30 pm #

    Great read, Sis.

  3. nualapthatsme January 21, 2013 at 6:58 pm #

    People need to allow themselves to go through that heart ache and not fake that they are okay. I can’t stand when I am hurting and people can’t take my tears and saddness, so I go off by myself and cry.

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