I’m not sorry…

5 Feb

“I’m grown! I can do what I want!”

Somewhere my best friend of 20 plus years is staring at her computer monitor wincing.  Reading those words probably has the same effect to her as hearing nails screech down a chalk board has on others. I’ll spare you the tortured sob story that is my youth. Suffice it to say that it elicits a couple tears and the strumming of some pretty guitar strings.

Got a guitar string on ya nnnnephew??

Got a guitar string on ya nnnnephew??

I grew up hard and fast. Harder and faster than a young girl living in an urban jungle should have been allowed. I had little structure and guidance and the rules I made were my own. While my friends were graduating from high school I had buried a boyfriend, was living on my own and dating a MUCH older man. While my friends were in college I was burying my mother, being a new single parent and working on building my career in corporate america minus the required degree (talk about running in quick sand). While my friends were settling down in their careers and marriages I went back to school full-time and ate a decadent upside down cake called life.

See as a teenager my battle cry was, “I’m grown! I can do what I want!” You didn’t have to worry about telling me like it is, doling out advice or being a helpful anything because I would tell you before you got a chance to finish, “Thanks but no thanks. I’m grown and I can do what I want.” And that’s just what I did. But I was only halfway right. When you are grown, you do get to do what you want. However, whatever you do comes with consequences and responsibilities.

I’ve made so many mistakes along the way that I could probably fill a 600-page novel using 6-pt script and still run out of room. However, I learned from every mistake. I grew from every trial. I bloomed after every failure. You will never hear me saying, “but it wasn’t my fault” or “if it wasn’t for this, xyz wouldn’t have happened”.  My friend once said to me, “The thing about you that makes you so great is that you own your shit and you don’t apologize for it”.

I do own my shit, both the good and the bad, and I seriously thought I had moved past apologizing for it. Yet, yesterday I found myself doing exactly that. Not so much apologizing for my mistakes but explaining and excusing them. As if to say to the other person, “I know that makes me look like a bad person but I promise you I’m not. Look at how much I’ve grown.” SMH. Even now, I wince thinking about that conversation. Was I really trying to convince someone else that it was okay to love me? Maybe not consciously, but essentially that is what the other person probably heard. I’m all for using my trials and tribulations to inspire someone. I’m not ashamed of ANYTHING. And I do mean ANYTHING. However, I clearly forgot that you can not inspire with your past and apologize for it at the same time. It’s counter productive.

After said conversation I was sitting across from my older (clearly wiser) cousin and she smacked me. Not physically but verbally. “You know what your problem is, you’re hurt because you haven’t owned your failures”. What say you cousin? I HAVE indeed owned them. “You’ve accepted them, but you haven’t owned them. If you owned them, why are you still apologizing for them. Yea, you did some dumb shit. That’s what you did, not who you are. If that person is stuck on what you did, not what you’re doing everything you say is going to be lost on them anyway. So stop saying it”. Touche’!

I may have slightly paraphrased because I don’t remember shit verbatim. But that was the gist of the conversation. Every one of us makes mistakes. But those mistakes are OURS and no one else.  If you give someone permission to hold your past against you, its like planting a garden and not giving it food, light or water to grow. You won’t just stop growing, you will wither away and die. No one deserves that power over you. No one.

So what’s the lesson here:

1. Own your failures like you own your successes.

2. Today is always a new day. If you want to start over, do it.

3. Write the story you want to tell. If you want an awesome life you have to do awesome shit. 

4. It’s not about how you start, it’s about how you finish!

5. Learn from your mistakes. You can’t relish in a victory if you keep making the same mistakes.

6. Do not apologize from who you are or where you’ve been. It made you who you are today but it is NOT who you are!

Writing my story..one day at a time,

The Mistress of All Things Fabulous!

PS. Even a Rose grows out of the dirt. 

Albert Einstein dropped out of school at the age of 15. And he's still smart than everyone else! (He eventually went back but you get it!

Albert Einstein dropped out of school at the age of 15. And he’s still smarter than everyone else! (He eventually went back but you get it!)

She was a teen mom and still never missed a beat. Who says having kids has to stop you??

She was a teen mom and still never missed a beat. Who says having kids has to stop you??

This slays every misconception about City College! It's not where you go, but what you do when you get there!

Graduated with a Bachelors degree from the City College of New York. This slays every misconception about City College! It’s not where you go, but what you do when you get there!

I filed for bankruptcy. BUT I have this awesome new show AND a big ass house. TAKE THAT H8RS!

Ms. Toni Braxton filed for bankruptcy. BUT she has this awesome new show AND a big ass house. TAKE THAT H8RS!

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6 Responses to “I’m not sorry…”

  1. Yvonne Hinkle February 5, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

    Wow!!! You just gave me a different perspective on some things. I’m never too grown to learn life’s lessons.

    • TheHittList February 5, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

      New perspective is ALWAYS good. It either confirms or invalidates.

  2. Erika Alexis BeaniePoo February 5, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

    YOU, my dear, are a powerhouse!! *soul clap*

    • TheHittList February 5, 2013 at 6:41 pm #

      SOUL CLAP! YESSS…thats that ish I DO like!

  3. nualapthatsme February 8, 2013 at 11:56 pm #

    Holyshit balllllllllllllz! I think you just read my soul and laid it out there for the whole world to see. The words “I’m sorry” used to come out of my mouth like almost every other sentence since childhood until I was in my twenties. I would apologize for everything. I was broken of that bad habit by my mom. She told me to only say sorry when you truly mean it and in situations when it is necessary. She told me to stop apologizing for who I was and that is exactly what I was doing. I picked that nasty habit back up when I was in my late twenties and I am telling you right now I will stop apologizing for who I am and for what I was. Jesus has forgiven me for what I was and He loves me for who I am.

    • TheHittList February 9, 2013 at 12:00 am #

      Now I KNOW its serious if you said shyt..lol.. thank you for sharing. I’m curious…do men have this problem too?

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