The Good. The Bad. The Ugly.

6 Feb

With Valentines Day approaching I’m really thinking about what I am going to do and who am I going to do it with. Will it be a night in with yummy carry out from my favorite restaurant.  Complete with romantic comedies and balled up kleenex tissues? Will I go out with some of my single gal pals in red freakum girl dresses and paint the town scarlet? Will I go out on a date????? BWAHHAHAHAHA.. Okay, we all know I’m not going out on a date.  Not because I haven’t been asked but because I don’t want to go. (Note to self: Why do I feel the need to repeat this in damn near every post. )

Actually just a  few weeks ago I was asked on a date. AND  not the “Hey Mama (I’m not your mama, you’re not my son) why don’t you grab a Redbox movie and I’ll order take out and you can come over and fight my octopus arms while we sit on my couch that has the old food stains and misplaced springs” date either. I was asked on the “Excuse me Miss. I’m single. You’re single. Let’s see if we have something in common. Can I take you out to dinner? And of course I’m paying .” kind of date.  You know the kind that you shouldn’t say no to even though I did in fact say no.

This got me to thinking about some of the interesting dates I’ve been on. So in the spirit of  Valentine’s Day and comedic relief I decided to recount some of my most interesting dates.

The Good

I was dating a guy who was much older than me. He was very polished and put together. For our first date he had asked me out in advance to give me time to prepare. He made reservations for our date, called me to confirm, and showed up on TIME. And to top it off  he showed up with a dozen of the most beautiful roses I probably have ever seen in my entire life. They were NOT from a local chain grocery store either ladies and gentlemen. They were from a FLORIST. (insert ooohs and ahhs here). Now I know many men think that roses and flowers in general are a total waste of money. Let me be the first to tell you how wrong you are. 8 years later I STILL remember this date and rank him in my top 5 best first dates of all time. (Are any light bulbs going off?).Women love to be courted. We love to know that you did not just start thinking about the time you planned to spend with us as you were driving to our house.  When we feel courted we don’t only feel like we are worth it, but it makes us feel like YOU are worth it as well. A good first impression is definitely a lasting impression.

We know they die and we want them anyway! Deal with it!

We know they die and we want them anyway! Deal with it!

The Bad
Do you remember back in the day when Kentucky Fried Chicken use to sell the desert cups. Lemon parfait and Strawberry Shortcake? Do you recall how they didn’t have forks or spoons but rather this hybrid eating utensil that is referred to as a spork. WELL…many moons ago I had a first date with a guy whom me and my girlfriends affectionately refer to as “Spork”. On our first date he took me to Grand Lux in downtown Chicago which he must have thought was the equivalent of Riva’s or Sullivans. I’m not a snob but I should have been suspicious when he ordered Salisbury Steak with Mashed Potatoes as if it were Filet Mignon. The first fail was him not realizing that the whipped white stuff on top of the steak was indeed mashed potatoes. The second fail of the date was when he asked the waitress to bring him “that thing you eat with that looks like a fork and a spoon”. I promise she looked at me as if to say, sorry you pulled the short stick honey. The third fail was when said date having not been provided with a spork decided to eat the entire meal with a spoon. Steak, potatoes and side.  I don’t have to tell you that was a short date and I never answered his calls again.

If your date asks for a spork, go to the bathroom and DO NOT RETURN.

If your date asks for a spork, go to the bathroom and DO NOT RETURN.

The Ugly

I don’t even have to go into great detail regarding  this date. I met this guy for dinner and drinks downtown one night after work. He lived in the uber far suburbs that are probably closer to West Africa then Chicago’s city limits. Since he was a commuter he parked his car at the train station and caught the train into the city. Thus, after a nice meal and walk around downtown I offered to drive him the 35 minutes back to his car. We arrive at his car, bid our customary adieus and he proceeds to ask for a hug before he exited my vehicle. He was a nice looking guy and we had a nice time.  I had known him for a while before I had gone out on a date with him so it wasn’t a big deal. I reach in and gave him a hug and wished him farewell. “Man, that was nice. Can I have another one?” Sure I thought. I give nice hugs (I’m such a sucker). The second hug went slightly different. As I pulled back I see his very large, very erect  penis staring back at me. DUDE what the F*ck!  What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Hug it with my mouth?  No sir I think not. Thinking quickly on my feet, I simply chuckled and said,” Please put that thing away before you put somebodies eye out”. I pushed him out of my car and drove off as FAST as I could. Needless to say that was our first and last date.

Just when you think it's safe to go back into the water!

Just when you think it’s safe to go back into the water!

Either I have bad first date karma or everyone has stories like these? Do you have any dating horror stories? Dates that would make a girl swoon? Guys, have you done something you are particularly proud or ashamed of? Please share. Don’t leave me out here by myself!


The Mistress of All Things Fabulous


2 Responses to “The Good. The Bad. The Ugly.”

  1. Mrs. Shah February 6, 2013 at 12:06 pm #

    Bwwahahahahaha!! Ok, this may be my favorite entry to date.

  2. nualapthatsme February 9, 2013 at 12:10 am #

    I love your transparency.

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