Permission Granted.

11 Feb

While I have always been pretty comfortable with WHO I was, I was not always comfortable with what I looked like. Like many teenagers, I did not exit the  awkward years of adolescence unscathed. While I always thought I had a pretty face (I have my mother to thank for that) I hated pretty much everything else about my body. My breast never grew like all of my other friends. My mosquito bites never became anything more than wasps. All I was gifted with was thighs that looked like small tree trunks (to me anyway). And try as they might, my friends and families insistence that I was just “Thick” only made me feel fat. Maybe this wouldn’t have been an issue had I not also been vertically challenged. Unfortunately I was blessed with Serena Williams thighs (awesome) but not her height (she’s 5’9 I’m barely 5’4).

I assure you she could crush more than a nut with this awesome thighs.

I assure you she could crush more than a nut with these awesome thighs.

I hated my body. And not just a mild “I wish I could change this” or “I’m going to do this” to improve myself. I mean, I hated my body. I hated my breast size to the point where at one time I had started a boob fund for my breast implants. (Throw some D’s on that ish!) I was also Bulimic. I binged and purged for 10 years. (Yes black girls suffer from it too!) I went to numerous clinics and specialist.  The only cure for my eating disorder was giving birth and wanting to be healthy for my son. I was so self conscious of my thighs that I exercised myself down to a size 0. I actually dated a guy that told me once after sex that he wasn’t sexually attracted to me because my thighs touched. (Right..and I thought I was the one with the issue..smh). I invested in water bras (yes, I said it) because should I get felt up on a date I didn’t want him to know I was stuffed. In the summer I wore body make up (Dermablend) to cover my stretch marks on my stomach and blemished on my toes so I could rock bikinis and open toe sandals. I was a MESS.

How did I get past that? SLOWLY. I dated a guy who one day pointed out to me that when we would have sex I would turn off the lights, jump into bed and disrobe under the covers. I didn’t want to be seen. I had never even walked around a man completely nude. One day he just stopped me.  And here is where I have my Love Jones meets Love and Basketball meets Brown Sugar moment. He said , “I don’t know what was wrong with that guy you used to date, but I love your body. I want to see you. Leave the lights on and take your clothes off”. #swoon

Now, don’t get it twisted. His part was Hollywood big screen worthy. Mine, however, was not. I did it. I disrobed with the lights on, albeit as quickly as humanly possible.  Partially because I was horny and that was the only way I was gonna get lucky. The other part was because I just wanted to please him (FORMER people pleaser, guilty as charged). Over time though, I started to do things like stand in the mirror naked. And not the mad dash I used to do to the towel rack. I mean, full frontal assault.

At first I only did it for a couple seconds. Seeing my body naked was honestly overwhelming. It wasn’t the body I wanted. It was disappointing. But eventually those seconds standing naked in the mirror turned to minutes. And the disappointment turned to admiration. One day I realized I would get out the shower and comb my hair and put on make up NAKED without even realizing it. I began to admire my tiger stripes aka stretch marks. Even my boobs began to get celebrated. (You nursed a kid with those things! Someone give this lady an award.)

Last night I posted the below picture on Facebook. I had just taken out the braids from my sew in and finger combed my beautiful CURLS (notice I did not say naps because I do not disparage any part of me). Immediately a great friend texts me and says, ” You are so comfortable in your skin. I love that about you buckwheat. LOL. 99% of women would have never posted that. You are super dope”.

My buckweat profil. Get cho life. This fro is AWESOME SAUCE!

My buckweat profile. Get cho life (in my Tamar voice). This fro is AWESOME SAUCE!

He was partially right. Some women are brave enough to post themselves au natural. I see it on YOUTUBE a lot. BUT a LOT of women are not brave enough to show themselves “undone”.  This applies to you too MEN. We all seem to be to  afraid to be seen in our most vulnerable state. For women it may be our body and our hair. For men it may be your EMOTIONS (cough, cough), financial status or the car you drive (or buying Magnum condoms when you know damn well you do not need them *stare*).

In the words of Sweet Brown! “AINT NO BODY GOT TIME FOR THAT”. I have spent too much time on this planet partially celebrating myself. I do not intend to do it another day. Because as I learned, if I don’t celebrate me, neither will anyone else. That is one nasty habit I gave up. I gave myself permission to love and embrace me as I am. With or without my weave. With or without my make up. With or without my dream job. With or without my dream car. With or without the man of my dreams.

I am emotional, passionate, creative, loving, sexual, empathetic,  forgetful, forgiving and unforgiving, clumsy, moody and sometimes bat shit crazy. What I don’t like I don’t tear down anymore. I just work to improve myself. I gave my self permission to love me. Not part of me. BUT ALL OF ME. In all of my flawed splendor. It is my sincere hope that you can do that same.

With love and acceptance,

The Mistress of ALL Things Fabulous

Laid like a Easy Breezy Beautiful Bad you know what!

Laid like a Easy Breezy Beautiful Bad you know what! I love me in all forms of FABULOUSNESS!

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10 Responses to “Permission Granted.”

  1. nualapthatsme February 11, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

    Dearest Kimmah, thanks be to God for you to truly be able to love yourself instead of loathing yourself. Thank you for your transparency. I pray this blog entry reaches the masses for the glory of God because HE was the one who knitted us in our mothers’ wombs. He is rejoicing with you.

    • TheHittList February 11, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

      I pray that as well Nuala. I’ve been truly touched and blessed by God the way He has been working me over and under these last years. The change has been painful but extremely gratifying.

  2. myfw1920 February 11, 2013 at 2:07 pm #

    I have been in that place before, and I was the opposite I would stand in my bra and panties looking in the mirror at my waistline trying to figure out how the rest of the world could appreciate my body and how I could show the world all my body parts were just big, hips, butt, boobs, legs, but my tummy was flat I was just curvy not fat but it took me gaining 100lbs to love and honor how beautiful I was. It was in this placed that I realized the outside voices were defining me and I learned to love me and appreciate my beauty in whatever size it’s in……thanks for sharing with us!

    • TheHittList February 11, 2013 at 2:11 pm #

      I think what you described in how I used to feel about who I am as a person (not how I looked). I always loved myself. I thought I was the bomb. But I wanted the world to see me how I saw me. “Don’t you think I’m smart?” Eventually I said to hell with the world! I love me enough for everyone.

  3. Tressa February 11, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    Dear Kimmah,
    Oh how I love your blogs and especially this one. I for one have suffered with self image issues (which no one knows), but over the years have accepted my thunder thighs & hips. However melanin side effects from having Type2 Diabetes have caused me to have issues with my skin throughout my life.. I always see before & after pics of girls with & without full makeup and they look like totally different people &they get criticized for it.. But what people dont know is that just like me she may have a story filled with issues and insecurities….so as I read your blog I hope one day I can actually leave the house with my daisy dukes on without a face full of make-up…Love & Blessings.. keep up the good writing !

    • TheHittList February 11, 2013 at 2:51 pm #

      Oh wow. I had no idea. You are so beautiful! And your spirit is so beautiful. And your energy. I could go on. OMG. I can not wait to do your mini makeover now! You my dear are a rock. ❤

  4. Neish Ma'Jorie February 11, 2013 at 8:00 pm #

    Im just still in awe that after almost three years of reading this blog, and being a total supporter of gtgr, i recently find out its YOU. I cant explain how or why but theres a reason youre “electronically” involved in my life in two totally seperate readons, but im just gonna continue to roll with it. I was really sad when you stopped writing for a while because i can relate to SOOOOOOOO much of what you write, ESPECIALLY this last post…had me all teary-eyed at work! Kinda makes me wanna put my thoughts and experiences out there..

  5. Weavemaster Tam February 13, 2013 at 7:57 pm #

    Alright honey! Let em know!

  6. Lola Lynch February 12, 2016 at 3:24 am #

    Kimmah this came up in my memories on Facebook I love it today as much as the first time I read it. Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Xxxxxx

    • TheHittList March 6, 2016 at 11:54 am #

      Thank you love. ❤

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