Sex and Singledom

17 Feb

*Disclaimer… I’m probably going to cross a line today. I promise to cross back tomorrow though.*

I’m starting to feel like breakups from relationships lasting longer than a certain time frame should come with the requirement to complete a 12-step program. How about just a 5-step program? To much? Okay, maybe not complete a program but they should at least come with a booklet of some sort.  A breakdown of what to expect at each stage and how to work through it would be greatly appreciated.

Step 1: Denial. It’s not over. This is just another fight. We’ll get through it. We always do.

Step 2:  Grief. *Lots of crying and wailing and unintelligible mumbling*

Step 3:  Bargaining. Okay, maybe we should go back to being friends. I can try to be friends. Who knows where that’ll lead.

Step 4:  Acceptance. Man f*ck this. They weren’t good enough for me anyway. Now I can find a real man/woman.

Step 5: Extreme Horniness. Oh Lawd Jesus it’s a fire! When was the last time I had sex??????? (I have decided to refer to this stage as Defcon 1. This is the stage I need that damn manual for!)

sweet brown

You just read that  and in your head you sounded like Sweet Brown didn’t you. LOL. I don’t mean to use the Lord’s name in vain. I swear I’m saved and I own a bible with highlighted text and dog eared pages. I go to church and I take notes and I actually come home and read them. Please don’t judge me but I’m human and I need to keep it real.

I’m not trying to use the Lords name in vain. I’m actually praying because only God can help me now. I’ll be celebrating the 6th anniversary of my 30th birthday soon. What does this mean? Two things. It is true what they say about a woman at this age. She does reach her sexual peek and I would imagine it’s what boys feel like between the ages of 18 and 25. Additionally it also  means that any desire I may have had to have empty meaningless sex died years ago. Sometime in my twenties. To be precise I believe it was when I was 26.

I was “seeing” this guy who I thought had great potential to be something more than just a guy. Luckily he thought I had potential too. Unfortunately our definitions of potential were drastically different. My definition of potential involved wedding bells and picket fences. His definition of potential was limited to my legs being in a ten-and-two position. I remember the last night we spent with each other I got up and walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and was disgusted. Here I was giving up sex for love and here he was professing love for sex.

See even the thought of revisiting some of those moments sends chills down my spine.  I was with the same partner for 6 years. And while some people may balk at that I truly enjoyed knowing that I didn’t have to tell someone how to turn me on and take care of me sexually. Sex with a long time partner is like knowing how to use the key to an old, tricky lock. A person unfamiliar with said lock will not know to lift the knob and pull the key out slightly, turn until you hear a slight click and then pull the knob in towards you while pushing the door open. (And don’t front like you haven’t lived somewhere with one of those old ass locks).

I don’t want to have to worry about that awkward moment when you’re praying that it will be good and the moment when you confirm that it was or wasn’t. I don’t want to have to worry about sex with a thunder cat who thinks sex in an Olympic sport and by sex I mean spirited humping that ends in inner thigh chaffing. I don’t wan’t to have to worry about sex with the retired “officer and a gentleman”  where you have to check their pulse to make sure they’re still alive because they seem to need to stop and take a break half way through the main event. Leaving thinking I should have had a V8 instead of that is not a good look. Dear God I don’t want to have to deal with ANY of that.

Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, in your golden, fleece diapers, with your curled-up, fat, balled-up little fists pawin' at the air.

Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, in your golden, fleece diapers, with your curled-up, fat, balled-up little fists pawin’ at the air.

The truth of the matter is that the time it would take me to explain to someone how to get me off I could have done it myself 5 times and taken a nap. The truth of the matter is I’m much to smart to fall for the banana in the tail pipe (pun intended) and give up something I value for a good meal and empty promise. The truth of the matter is that while I want to have sex I want MORE than that. I want friendship, I want passion, I want kindness, I want compassion, I want honesty, I want trust and I want commitment. And more importantly. I want someone to love me and see me. FULLY see me. For who I am and who I plan to be.


Until then, I think I’ll just keep my legs closed, my eyes open and my heart guarded. Until then, I think I’ll wait for someone to be able to jiggle my locks with the right amount of finesse and the most honorable of intentions.

Until then, PRAY for me yaw’ll. I’m going to need it.


The Mistress of All Things Fabulous


5 Responses to “Sex and Singledom”

  1. misssherice February 18, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

    Hollering. Screaming. Stomping my feet. Jumping up and down and all in total agreement. Too funny and too true. I’ll be needing quite a few of those manuals as I know quite a few people who could benefit from it (present company included).

    • TheHittList February 18, 2013 at 12:12 pm #

      LMAO. Well I’m going to get to work on that. But in the mean while just share this post and some get advice. It’s hard to keep your eyes open when your legs are open. Thats why we close our eyes during sex. Legs closed. Eyes open. LOL. ❤

  2. SpelDiva92 February 18, 2013 at 12:49 pm #

    You have just written my life!!! I am currently at Defcon 1 and it ain’t pretty. I hate to tell you that your sexual peak climbs to new heights after 40. It is definitely true that it is difficult to bring in someone new after you have been with the perfect locksmith. 🙂 I have realized that it is easy to find sex, less easy to find good sex, and damn near impossible to find the right relationship to develop good sex within. Keep writing and I will keep laughing!!

    • thehittlist February 18, 2013 at 2:36 pm # DOESNT get better after 40. SWEET MOTHER OF…….I’m going to REALLY need to step my meditation game up! I can’t imagine it being higher. HELL I was BORN with a high sex drive.

      • SpelDiva92 February 18, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

        Nope, it does not get better. The quality of sex gets better, but the drive keeps increasing. The sad part is that many (not all – there are some who can still go for hours well into the late 40’s) men over 40 generally can’t keep up. Hence, the concept of being a “cougar”. I have tried meditation, but my thoughts drift to sex.

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