Sorry..I do not plead the fifth.

27 Feb

Secrecy-is-weaknessI don’t know when it happened or how it happened. Maybe I’ve been this way my entire life. Honestly I don’t recall. You probably won’t believe me but I have no reason to lie.  I am a very private person. (Go ahead and laugh and give me the side eye. Get it out your system. lol) My zodiac sign is Cancer/Crab. My aunt always says how fitting that is because when I’m going through something I often retreat to the safety of my shell.

I’ve never had a problem communicating my feelings or my thoughts. That’s never been the problem. I’ve never had a problem understanding other peoples feelings either. Hell, most of the time I understand them before they do. I’m like the “Heart Whisperer”. LOL. (Oprah needs to give me my own show for real though…).  My problem has always been being misunderstood. I’ve never truly felt as if people have been able to understand me. I think they try, but most often they miss the mark. Sometimes by an inch, but sometimes by a mile. I’m emotional, sensitive, expressive and intuitive. More so than the average bear. Probably more so than the above average bear. I’ve always thought that was both a blessing and a curse. And honestly, it being a blessing or curse  depends on which side the coin lands that day.

That is why I write. When I write I can paint the picture that eludes the ears but is easily captured by the eyes.

And I have gotten in trouble for it more times than I care to recall.  I have been scolded by family members, friends, and boyfriends for  sharing too much. “You could have come to me” I’ve heard. “Family business should stay in the family” they yelled in frustration. “You know I’m a private person. I don’t want my business all up in the street” they’ve commanded. The sly digs from wounds I didn’t even know existed seem to pop up when I least expect it. “Remember what you wrote a year ago”. As a matter of fact I don’t.

Truth be told, that is why I stop blogging a few years ago. It was “suggested” that I keep “private business private”. Go ahead and write but just don’t talk about “xyz”. Humm, you know as a writer, when someone tells you not to discuss a certain thing, that’s probably the one things you actually want to discuss. Truth be told, there is a FINE line between respecting someones privacy and censorship. I do my best to stay on the right side of that line at all times. Divulging the “unidentifiable” truth. I do know that sometimes, I may fail. I’ve accepted that. Others have a harder time with it.

I think about this a lot as it pertains to going forward in my life. I imagine a conversation where someone asks what do you do for a living and I respond, I am a writer. What do you write, they’ll ask. The truth. This will scare a lot of people off because a lot of people have no idea what that means. The truth means exposure. Exposure of secrets. The truth mean imperfections. The truth means no longer hiding behind the mask you project to the world and dutifully hide from yourself. The truth means rooting out all the bullshit and starting over from scratch. And lets be real, the only thing scarier than change is all the work that it requires. The truth means being fearless and to be honest most people are to busy being afraid of THE truth (notice I did not say THEIR TRUTH) to even admit it to themselves much less the world.

A good friend of mine once said something that has stuck with me and echos loudly in my ear on a daily basis. “Secrets are Satan’s blackmail.” See, the more secrets you have, the more lies you tell to protect those secrets and the harder it is and longer it takes to live a TRULY, fruitful and authentic life. Not only do I not chose to live that way, but I chose to not have people apart of my life that subscribe to that theory either. To live in secrecy and to live in privacy is NOT the same thing. I believe in privacy, I don’t believe in secrets.

Those who know me, who truly know me trust me. They trust that I will not disrespect them. That I will not air out THEIR dirty laundry. That I will tow the line and abide by our personal agreements. And if they are unsure, they simply say, this is not for public consumption. And it’s immediately understood. However, even still someone will be tempted to say, “maybe you shouldn’t write that.” Don’t. Do not DARE ask me to censor the truth. Do not QUESTION me about what I choose to disclose as it pertains to my life. My words are no more yours than your breath is mine. I will speak my truth. I will tell my story. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

Truthfully & Fearlessly Yours,

The Mistress of All Things Fabulous


One Response to “Sorry..I do not plead the fifth.”

  1. nualapthatsme February 28, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

    Huge applause my dear!

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