22 Apr

Okay, I am going to do something I normally don’t do. I am going to retract a previous statement I’ve said/written. I have said before that dating in 2013 is some bullshit. I still half way believe that. It can totally suck. Weeding through all the frogs until you get to a prince/princess charming can take a lot out of you. HOWEVER, if you’re smart and have learned ANYTHING from your teens, twenties and beyond it can be quite entertaining.

Today, I decided to share some of the gems of knowledge I’ve acquired over the years. I’m not sure how it is for men because I haven’t dated any women however I do know that as a woman, there is rarely a line we hear that we haven’t heard before. I do know from firsthand knowledge, that not all women realize that it’s actually a script until their one leg shy of being conned out of their underwear.

So what prompted this “reveal of the uncoded language” you ask? Well last week, I was minding my own business when I get a private message in my Facebook inbox. Sidenote: Let’s just say that if someone writes a public status or comment and another person responds PRIVATELY to said status or comment then it’s assumed that said person is about to kick off some bullshit on a grimy level.

The conversation went a LITTLE like this.

Him: Are you interested in me pursuing you? Me: You’re friends with my sons father. Him: But he’s married and we’re grown. Me: That’s bogus. Him: Irregardless, it’s not his business. Me: My Values and Morals say otherwise.

Other than “irregardless” not being a real word (not according to Webster though Urban Dictionary may beg to differ), trying to push up on your friends “baby mama” is wack. What’s worse, however is using “he’s married” “we’re grown” and “it’s no one’s business” as your argument is re-damn-diculous.

psa-1uex2x0Anyway, in my attempt to save someone else the embarrassment of being had or getting called out for trying something lame I’ve composed a list of some of my favorite. If you fall for it, you were an accomplice and not a victim. IJS

  1. If you’re ever called a tip drill it is not a compliment.
  2. Its still tricking if you got it.
  3. If you have to wear full body spanx, you’re not thick.
  4. I don’t like oral means you suck at this.
  5. Let’s just see where this goes is code for I wanna get laid before the relationship conversation comes up.
  6. I’d rather watch movies and drink at the crib. I wanna have one on one time with you. Translation: My couch is closer to my bed than the movie theatre is.
  7. “We’re grown” means I don’t care how much this doesn’t make sense or how bogus it is because my only mission is to SMASH (ie have sex at least once).
  8. Just the tip equals Post Foreplay but Pre Sex. (It’s happening).
  9. I don’t want to be in the streets tonight MEANS my real woman is out with her friends an I don’t want to run into her with you.
  10. Can I give you a massage MEANS the easiest way to get your clothes off with the least amount of effort.

Last but not least:

11. I was drunk and didn’t want to drive home so I just slept on her/ his sofa but nothing happened.

If you have more….write em on my facebook fan page. I’d LOVE to hear it!


The Mistress of All Things Fabulous


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