Single Girl Swag…or something like that…

28 Oct

There are so many things I “dislike” about dating. Shall I name them? Allow me to count the ways!

#1-100……Everything! I kid! Sorta…..

I could totally end this post right here. I won’t though because someone, somewhere needs to hear what I have to say. (Even if it’s just me).

The unfortunate scenario(s)

In the most ideal of circumstances, I’m out at a museum or a book reading. Some super cultured shit. I’m wearing a fitted pencil length dress, belted at the waist with fishnets and killer Louboutin’s that I scored on clearance (even though they’re still in season but some poor soul just put them in the wrong section.) I’m looking and feeling fierce and unstoppable (part sexy, part business). Anyway, I’m standing there admiring art and a handsome charming gentleman approaches me and asks my option of said piece of art. I give him some elaborate explanation of the art piece and after listening intently he smirks and says, “You have no idea what you’re talking about do you?” We both start laughing, eventually exchange phone numbers and after multiple phone calls that end late into the night (not text conversations or Facebook chats) we agree to have dinner at a quaint Italian restaurant that’s easy for us to both get to. We shut down the restaurant and I leave counting down the time until we see each other again.

BUT that shit rarely happens. What happens is:

  • You plan your date but then the baby sister cancels at the last minute (or your kid or dog gets sick).
  • You have an emergency that you’re too embarrassed to share (or it’s too private to share) and cancelling will make you look/feel like a flake but you don’t know each other well enough to share THAT much information.
  • You go on your date just in time to realize your date is still stuck on their ex.
  • OR you’re having a bad day and you just aren’t “feeling it” but you already made plans and you force yourself to fake it.
  • You’d rather make it a redbox night but you don’t wanna end up in “that” category.
  • He want’s to make it a redbox night but you don’t wanna end up in “that” category. (LOL)
  • When your bill comes and no one grabs the check (he’s waiting to see if she is selfish, she’s waiting to see if he’s cheap).

The unfortunate suitor(s)

In the most ideal circumstances every guy you meet will be perfect for you. He’ll be the perfect height and weight. He’ll wear the perfect scent and say the perfect things. He’ll show up on time with flowers and plan a date without you having to lift a finger. All you’ll have to do is pick which one you like the best and run into the sunset holding hands and kicking cans together. *sigh* Now, before you start jumping up and down on your soap box I’ll relieve your objections before you get started and key you in on a secret. I ALREADY KNOW THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT ANTHING. Even if you meet the perfect person for you, they’ll probably be more Steve Urkel than Stephan Urkel! (Same person..you see what I did there??) As one of my best sister girlfriends told me, 99% of the guys you date will not be the one for you. So don’t worry about those. Only worry about the 1%.

But even knowing that and accepting those odds you still encounter the following:

  • There is the suitor you meet that you find out has 10 kids and 4 grandkids and only LOOKED young for their age.
  • There is the suitor who tries to catfish you on the internet dating site by putting up a picture from 10 years ago..before they gained the freshman 150!
  • There is the suitor you meet for dinner and they proceeds to cut their steak with a spoon (or pull out their penis for a quick game of catch a girl, scare a girl!)
  • There is the suitor from the internet dating site that post a picture of their friend but you can’t figure out if it’s his friend friend or his boyfriend.
  • There is the suitor that thinks that the “farting game” is a way to connect romantically and after you share bodily functions you “go together”.

But you want to know the thing that annoys me the most about dating? My super loving and supportive friends and families (married, engaged or committed) who only want the best for me but succeed in doing nothing but making me want to crawl into a kitchen cabinet and play with the pots and spoons like I imagine I did when I was a kid and drown out the annoying sounds of them talking.

The ones that have somehow forgotten what it’s like to date. What it’s like to be vulnerable to the world not knowing what you’ll get in return. The one that’s that don’t remember what is was like wanting to fall when the thing you remember most is not being caught. The one’s that forget how exhausting the dating rules can be and how comforting “you know how so-in-so is” really is? The one’s that forget how it feels not know if your first fight is your last fight?

A couple months ago my bff had her first baby. She asked me constantly what to expect prior to giving birth. How it’d feel. What did I feel. How long did it take to recuperate? Now I was in labor for 28 hours. You know what my response was? I can’t remember. The thing with child birth is that soon after the delivery the memory of the pain is like having a bout of amnesia. You know it exists but the happiness of seeing and holding your baby makes you forget about the pain. Over time, you can’t even tap into it. It’s almost like it didn’t happen. You know it hurt, but you can’t really relate to how it hurt.

That’s the great thing about love. It makes you forget about all the pain.

While I appreciate all my friends and families support it’d be nice if they let me vent when I need to. I should be be allowed to be annoyed without being called negative. Or be selective without being called picky. Let me use my own guidance and judgment instead of making me feel like a controlling lunatic. I’m dating with a purpose not just for free dinners. I should be allowed to use this time how I see fit instead of worrying about appeasing the masses.

Sincerely,

The Mistress of All things Fabulust

 

 

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One Response to “Single Girl Swag…or something like that…”

  1. MaryMaryWhy-U-Bugging November 8, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

    Very interesting, true, and funny 🙂

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