Learning to trust myself…

3 Feb

cliff-diving-tricks-featEveryone needs advice at some point in their life. Personally, there are plenty of things I need advice on. Money and career goals to name a few. Considering how stubborn my friends and family consider me to be, it may surprise a few people to know that I solicit advice daily regarding these matters. For example which software program is the best for a work problem I may be encountering (I deal with a lot of data at work).  Or things like what I need to do to be promoted at work (the glass ceiling is so real…especially for a woman in a man’s world). Additionally, I have a friend who is extraordinarily good with money. He helps me manage my financial affairs to make sure I’m not doing anything TOO stupid with my money (which I often times do).

However, I’ve never been one to solicit advice when it comes to matters of the heart. Not only did I not ask for advice, but I didn’t welcome it either. I just simply trusted myself. I trusted my heart and my intuition. I mean, I was born with a bleeding heart the way some people are born with red hair and freckles. I was born to love and I didn’t need or want anyone telling me how to do so. I was born tapped into my feelings and being excruciatingly tapped into the feelings of others. Rarely do I have a problem communicating: neither talking nor listening.

I had also never had a problem being vulnerable. While being vulnerable makes most people feel weak it always made me feel strong and invincible. Why? Because vulnerability, like love, is a gift and not a curse. I was never afraid of it. Great risk, great reward, right? I mean, what greater risk is there than one’s own heart. I even recall a letter I wrote to an ex about falling in love with him at the time:

I walked to the edge of the cliff of love and I jumped. Not knowing if I would be caught and not daring to care. Because the fate of the fall was much more preferable than the fate of forever standing on the cliff paralyzed and not feeling anything at all. 

Yes, I really am that poetic and romantic. (LOL) And see, therein lies the problem. Or so I thought. I followed my heart as I always have but I wasn’t getting the results I desired. I wasn’t seeing my love stories to the happily-ever-after part and the doubt began to creep in. I stopped believing in myself and I stop trusting myself. I thought love was the problem. And it was. Self-love was the problem.

You see my inability to get to my happily ever after had nothing to do with other people and everything to do with myself. I had yet to fully accept or even know myself. I had to discover myself and see myself how GOD saw me. WHO I was created to be. I had to realize that I was smart and capable of brilliance at times. Had to realize that I was talented and writing was not just something that I wanted to do but what I had to do. I had to learn how to celebrate my curves and my flaws and to find myself beautiful in the most awkward, unbeautiful moments. I had to see myself as a gift and a treasure.

To love, I had to truly learn to love me first.

If I thought that was the hard part, I was wrong. The hardest part of all was learning how to trust myself again. There is something that happens when you truly discover your own value. The value of everything around you changes as well. Metaphorically, it’s like going from a pauper to a prince. What you once felt you had to earn, you now realize you deserve by right of birth alone. And people and things I fought so fervently for in the past started to feel like tokens for my troubles rather than the prizes I had thought them to be. I guess you can say changing how I valued myself, changed how I allowed other people to value me as well. And seeing others not value me, how I knew I should be valued, in turn lowered their value.

So here I was, armed with ALL this new information. And this new power. And this new strength. I was armed with self-love and value of myself. But I was afraid to use it. I began to close up and harden. I finally knew how to love myself, but could I trust myself to love another person? Could I trust myself to even choose the right person to love?

I began soliciting advice. From friends. From co-workers. From family members. Hell, I’d even resorted to google and yahoo searches. Typing in questions like, “How do you know you’re falling in love” or “How to fall in love with out busting your ass?” Yea, I was desperate. I began constantly wondering how did they do it? What worked for them?

And then it hit me. I already knew these things. I already knew how to be vulnerable. I already knew how to be compassionate. These were things I was born with. It was what I was born to do. I just had to learn how to do them without the rose tinted glasses I’d seen myself and others out of my entire life. I had to learn how to love others while still loving and honoring myself. I had to start trusting my voice again. But to trust it, I had to start USING IT. It had to become an action and not just a thought.

And so here I am. Using my voice. Trusting myself. Falling..wisely but freely. They say you shouldn’t consider yourself crazy if you talk to yourself. Only if you find yourself talking to AND answering yourself are you then considered crazy. That might be true. Maybe talking to yourself isn’t the greatest idea, but listening to yourself is. I used to do this ALL the time but somewhere along the mangled road of life I lost my footing a little bit. But, I think I finally got it back though.

And in the eternal words of Forest Gump, “And that’s all I have to say about that”.

With love,

The Mistress of All Things Fabulous

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