Of Mice and Men..(100th Post, Part II)

10 Mar

I’m convinced that I have the BEST Facebook friends ever! WHY??? Because regardless of how much ruckus I cause they continue to both humor and support me. Even when I’m being completely obnoxious (hard to believe right) and ask them questions that one should probably not ask or answer in public they will give me the 100% God’s honest truth.

In retrospect, at times our relationship is pretty self-serving. I totally use my Facebook friends to gather intel about the female and male psyche.  They in turn, knowing that I will be sharing what I find with you guys, lay themselves bare before me in hopes that I will enlighten those that are ill-advised (probably an unsuspecting partner or special friend).

My favorite audience to poll has to be men on relationships matters. Mainly because I don’t understand them. I mean, as long as we’re talking about the weather or traffic or sex (maybe) I feel like I can carry on a decent conversation sans an interpreter or google translate. However, as soon as the conversation shifts to something deeper (like feelings and emotions) I feel like I need a dictionary, a thesaurus, The entire collection of Encyclopedia Britannica, the U.S. embassy and a diplomatic agreement between nations to understand them!

What I learn after each of these discussions is this: The battle of the sexes is real people.

before and afterLast week I had two interesting discussions. The first was around the question “If a man has a small penis, should he warn a woman BEFORE he has sex with her?” LMAO. (This discussion was actually spawned by a drawing I saw of a small penis before and after an erection). As a woman, nothing is worse than thinking you’re going to encounter an anaconda and coming face to face with an inch worm instead. For my men readers the consensus was this, if you are lacking in that area giving a woman a warning MAY not be the best way to go. However, if you ain’t packing, your oral sex skills can NOT be lacking! If you are a “mighty mouse” you better have a “mighty mouth”. LOL! (Yes, I am TOTALLY cracking myself up right now.)

But then I turned around and asked a more introspective question. “Why do men have such a hard time opening up and being vulnerable to women?” To be honest, I really didn’t expect an answer to this question. I expected men to do what they always do, “run away from talks about emotions and feelings”. But to my surprise they gave me an earful. And comment after comment echoed the following sentiments:

“…because us opening up requires YOU to actually listen, try not to be judgmental and actually be supportive and not exploitive or emasculating… present company excluded… some of y’all can’t do that”

“…but the men who open up the most, open up to women who are great listeners. Once we know that it’s not safe to open up, we ain’t telling you sh*t!”

“Opening up comes from a place of trust and a lack of fear of reprisal. If a man is guaranteed those things then he will open up… most women can’t guarantee those things.”

I have to admit, my FIRST response was to offer them several seats in which to sit so they could contemplate all the ways they needed to get their lives. I mean, how did it become the responsibility of the woman to coddle a man so he could figure out how to be open and honest about his feelings? I mean, how many times do women put ourselves out there trusting that we won’t be used or mistreated or what have you just to have that very thing we feared most happen. AND then we do what, turn back around and trust again. Open again. Share again. Why can’t men walk in their truth regardless of who is listening? Why must their feelings be dependent on who is listening and how well the listener is able to do so?

AND THEN IT HIT ME. Women, we need to be more like men.

It doesn’t matter what a woman says or does. What she feels she has to offer or how many tricks she turns for a man in bed. It doesn’t matter how long her hair is, how fat her ass is, or how tight her head game is. It doesn’t matter how much money she has or how independent she is. Doesn’t matter if she’s tricking cuz she got it. Doesn’t matter if she has 3 degrees, good credit, no stretch marks, a 5 bedroom house and a new Benz right off the lot. If a man doesn’t trust you. If he does not buy into the notion that you are the BEST thing for him. If he is not convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can lay every care, concern, fear, failure, heartbreak, dream, ambition and disappointment SAFELY before your feet without fear of backlash or retribution he will not even ENTERTAIN the notion of trusting you with his most prized possession: His heart.

The-Guarded-Heart

Lesson: Men do not gamble with their hearts and neither should we.

So why do we? I was good and up in arms. So much so that I began writing, “ I guess I should withhold my pussy (I said I was up in arms), my love, my heart and everything I hold of value until I know I can trust a man with it.” And then I realized. DUH. Of course you should. For years I have been operating on the judicial predicate of “innocent until proven guilty”. Or rather I will trust you until you prove you aren’t trust worthy. Whereas men operate with the exact opposite code of ethics. For them it is guilty until proven innocent. Or rather you aren’t trust worthy until you PROVE that you can be trusted. And here I thought they were the fools.

I may not agree with WHY men guard their feelings so closely but I can surely respect why they feel they need to. To them, they’re valuable and not just anyone is worthy. Men will fuck you without claiming you. Men will date you without making you their girlfriend. Men will live with you without making you their wife. BUT the things that hold the most value for them will be guarded like demons guard the gates of hell with NO exception.

I can respect that. And I suggest we, women, emulate that behavior.

From this point forward, I declare that women need to guard the gates to the things we value most in the same fashion. We need to do better with guarding our minds, our hearts and our bodies (and in some case our CHILDREN!) Every man that shows you interest does not need to be privy to your deepest and darkest secrets. Every man that takes you to dinner doesn’t need to end up in your bed.  Just because a man offers you a hoop doesn’t mean you jump through it. And at the end of the day, until that man shows you (not tells you). But demonstrates that his only intention is honor, respect and to do right by you..well then as the men stated to me last week. If he can’t or will not guarantee that, the gates should remain closed. With no exception.

Sincerely,

The Mistress of All Things Fabulous

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