Single? Then read this before you have sex!

5 Jun

So this week I was once again playing Sherlock Holmes on the internet armed with my question of the day: how long do you make a man wait to have sex? Now, it should go without saying that the RIGHT person will wait however long is necessary if they are really interested in you. Likewise, if you choose (I’m not judging) to get busy on your first date (I did this once and we were together for 6 years) then the right person will stick around as well. However, it should also go without saying that even the right man will have his own needs, agenda and time table for what is right for HIM. You wait too long, he may lose interest. You give it up to quickly, he may lose interest.

Oh my. What a conundrum this is, yes?

Ideally, I’d like to say that I plan on waiting until my wedding night before doing the deed for the first time. But I’m not about to insult you by lying. Being a 30 + year old woman is the equivalent of being a vulture in a desert. Your appetite is ravenous, especially when an acceptable pray is within your sights. (I’m so for serious). Not to mention, not only is intimacy (not just sex) an important part of a relationship but healthy and compatible intimacy is a critical part of a relationship. Once we’ve established that we’re compatible, are looking for the same thing, and are mutually interested in pursuing similar relationship goals with each other, than intimacy should be a welcome addition to the relationship.

The other day I was surfing the internet and came across an article that says you should wait at least 6 months before you have sex with someone. I’m embarrassed to say that my first thought was, WHAT THE HELL FOR? Even Steve Harvey is only suggesting you wait 90 days. I admit, I kinda tuned out after reading that but I read enough to get that their suggested waiting time had more to do with societal standards and etiquette than anything substantial. Truth be told, you could wait for 6 months to have sex with someone and realize that either #1 the sex is awful and/or #2 you still don’t know enough about them to have sex.

In my opinion waiting should have less to do with the how (long you wait) and more to do with the what (you need to know before you do the deed). Artisan219, one of the commenters  on the article wrote, “Sex can be casual, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s harder to turn a wild night into an actual relationship…. casual sex is comparable to a firecracker instead of a candle. You light it, it burns, it pops, and now it’s done…. To go the distance in a relationship, both of you have to be moving in similar directions in life.” Touche and well said my friend. So no, it doesn’t matter how long you wait, as long as you know everything you need to know before you make the decision.

So this got me to thinking, what do I need to know before I decide to be intimate with a man. Of course, I’m anal enough to make a list (no pun intended). However, once I sat down to make my list it really made me think about. Probably more so than if I were in the heat of the moment and willing to go for it and say to hell with the consequences. My suggestion to both men and women (even though I don’t know a man who is going to do make your own list before you meet someone new and start digging them. That way you’re still in a position to be objective.

  1. As Lil Wayne so poetically sings, “What’s your real name, and not your stripper name?”: This should be a no brainer but sometimes, especially when social media is involved, people think they know someone better than they do. So they forget to ask the most basic questions. What do you do for a living, do you have kids, have you ever been married and why (when) did your last relationship end? These shouldn’t be asked in a succession of questions as no one, especially men, likes to feel like they are being interrogated. These things should easily be revealed over several conversations. Everyone has a past but if a potential love interest isn’t ready to open up about some basic yet important details of their life, then they probably aren’t ready to open up to you period.
  2.  Know what THEY are looking for and make sure they know what YOU are looking for.: I hate to call women out but we are NOTORIOUSLY famous for ignoring this and then being salty when we find out that we were “just a friend”. Going with the flow is for high schoolers. If your love interest doesn’t know what they are looking for and what they want you’re going to waste a lot of time waiting for them to figure it out. And that is not to say when they do, you will be it. Likewise, if you are afraid you are going to run them off by saying what you want, don’t be. Let them run if what you’re saying is to much for them. Don’t be afraid to lose a potential suitor for the right suitor.
  3. Are you seeing anyone else? : Now this may or may not be a deal breaker for some people, but don’t get caught off guard thinking you’re the only one when you’re one of many. If a man or a woman is dating multiple people, it’s for a reason. They have yet to find a reason to exclude everyone else and focus solely on you (emotionally or sexually). Know your role so you can decide how to proceed appropriately.
  4. Would I leave them alone in a room with my children, friends or family?: Now, this is a tricky one so pay attention. Just because you know and like someone does NOT mean that you have to bring them around your loved ones right away. ESPECIALLY your kids. You can take your time and introduce them when the time is right for everyone involved. But if you’re still trying to figure out if they are even worth introducing then chances aren’t they aren’t important enough to sleep with.
  5.  Where and how do they live?: You can tell a LOT about a person by just observing them in their natural habitat. I once found out that a guy I was dating had a girlfriend…that he LIVED with. I came over for a sleep over and as I was sitting at the breakfast table waiting for him to finish his shower I noticed several pieces of mail (it was in clear view) addressed to a woman. His woman. 0_o Another guy I went on a date with invited me in after our movie date, but before our drinks so he could change his shirt. Imagine my horror when I had to climb over clothes, bags of garbage and watch him move pots and pizza boxes from his ironing board just to iron his shirt. If I may be cohabiting with you in the future (even if its distant) I need to know that you aren’t cohabiting with anyone else and/or preparing to be on the next episode of hoarders.

What would you add to the list? What should you know BEFORE you decide to be intimate with a new paramour? Sound off! I wanna know! 🙂


The Mistress of All Things Fabulous


8 Responses to “Single? Then read this before you have sex!”

  1. Curly Miri June 5, 2014 at 6:46 pm #

    Great read 🙂

    • TheHittList June 5, 2014 at 6:56 pm #

      Thanks lady! Just followed you. Great blog!

      • Curly Miri June 6, 2014 at 2:51 am #

        Love your blog! Look forward to reading more of your writing 🙂

  2. artisan219 June 6, 2014 at 12:07 pm #

    I would add at least one more: What does he want me to do in the bedroom, and what do you want him to do?

    Now I say this for a few reasons, but the first and most obvious reason is that we as men are for the most part consummate perverts. That much shouldn’t come as a shock, and if it does, you may have an over-idealized idea of your Prince Charming, but you do not want to get into the bedroom and find out that his expectations for sex are more than what you’re comfortable doing. Everyone has their own kinks and there own rhythms. My girl put in a sex swing. I came home one day and there it was. Now that sounds like an extreme, and it is, but you have to also take into account that she didn’t just install it on a whim. There’s a difference between getting to a point where you try new things versus a guy taking you back to his place because that’s where he keeps all his riding crops and leather. Look, I have no problem with people doing whatever it is they do, but if your man is into that kind of thing, you really should know about it before that point.

    With us, we didn’t have sex till more than three years into our relationship. She was a friend from college who after having her daughter just had her marriage collapse. We didn’t start as a romantic interest and she actually has a lot of sexual hangups because she was abused as a child and hadn’t dated anyone else since she was sixteen. So there was a huge learning curve and we had to take a lot of baby steps when it came to sex. The sex swing came about as something to make sex more fun and less threatening for her. Even now, she is kind of a monsoon when it comes to sex. There is a dry season, and then there’s more rain than you thought possible.

    Really all I’m saying is get some sense of your potential partner’s tastes. For example, while I for one have never had any interest in anal, I have female friends that have asked me why their boyfriends keep bring it up. They ask because they think there’s a chance they can wear you down and you have no reason to indulge that fantasy. If you’re not into something, make sure your man knows it. And guys, once your girl knows you have an interest in something, she’s going to mull it over. That doesn’t mean she’ll do it, but you have to leave it go or you’re going to undermine any chance you have of her giving it a shot. Sex goes both ways. If he wants fellatio (and let’s be honest, all men do) then he should be ready and willing to perform cunnilingus. If he isn’t willing, that’s a problem and you should take it as an indication that he could be a selfish lover. I have never had a girlfriend that wasn’t into that, but I do know guys that don’t like doing it. Newsflash to all the men, I have a hunch that a lot of your girlfriends are not into fellatio either; they do it to make you happy and because for whatever reason it seems to just be expected. So man up, put on your big boy bib, and go down till you need to come up for air.

    Sex is supposed to be mutually satisfying, and while you girls are champs at stroking the male ego and making us feel good about our efforts, you have every right to expect an orgasm. So don’t fake it. We like to know we’re doing it the way you like, and if you tell us that we are, we won’t try to fix what we don’t know is broken. And you can’t take the other side of it when you finally fess up that his favorite way of it doesn’t work for you. If there’s a particular position that works best for you, make sure he knows it. If you don’t get yours, that will sooner or later get to be a problem, either because you’re getting frustrated or because it diminishes his confidence. I mean if it’s your first time together and he’s trying, maybe let it go once or twice, but if by the third time you’re intimate and it hasn’t happened for you, it may be time to start asking him about his fantasies and start telling him some of yours. Push your comfort zones. There is enough porn on the net that there is just no excuse for a guy to not know how to get you where you need to be. That inner pervert, for all the trouble it causes, can be useful at times. Just make sure it’s not going to be a problem, either.

    On the same token, you start off the relationship with a sex barrier. You wait till you get comfortable, but when you finally get to it, there’s at least some anticipation, so both of you are plenty pent up. There’s usually kind of an overload here, and this is the point in your relationship where you’re likely going to have sex the most frequently. Eventually you’ll get to a routine, and if you’re lucky enough (yes, I said lucky), you’ll get into a rut. The trick is to settle into having enough sex that both of you are happy but not so much that he starts to expect it all the time. There’s nothing wrong with a lot of sex, and when my fiancee was pregnant, I think I lost ten pounds to sheer aerobics (unrelated note for men: do NOT, under any circumstances, lose ten pounds while your baby mama is pregnant. It is not a good place to be. She’s hormonal and having a body image crisis while she’s putting on weight. If you get in better shape, she’ll start thinking of ways to kill you. Eat cookie dough by the tube if you have to). The only problem with having sex a lot is that men can easily get complacent. Think of your guy on SuperBowl Sunday with an extra large supreme pizza and an order of buffalo wings. He won’t get off that couch unless he absolutely has to, because everything he wants is right there. He’s not going to take out the garbage till the game is over. So if you want us to keep trying for you, then make it hard for us sometimes. Remember that as women you control a lot of that aspect of the relationship. So keep us on our toes and we’ll keep trying to show you that we’re worth it. If he’s good, go get yourself some Victoria’s Secret. (Oh, and lingerie doesn’t count as a Valentine’s Day gift for YOU. Lingerie is for US and all men know it, so don’t let him get away with that. It can’t be that comfortable for you to wear and we as men are the ones that really get the most enjoyment out of it.) I would actually suggest that after the first few times, lock that down again for a few weeks and see what he does. He proved he could wait, but you do have to know he can keep waiting if you need him to.

    • TheHittList June 6, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

      OMG! This was so freaking insightful! Tell your fiance I love you! But not in that way. LOL. I think you should go into hiding though because you broke all kinds of guy code right now. The lingerie for valentines day? I’m ashamed I hadn’t considered that like ever! I love lingerie and always appreciate it as a gift but you’re right…the agony of will it look right, I can’t eat all day, I’m going to pass out from holding in my stomach the ENTIRE time…yea..that is all about HIM and not at all about me. LOL

      But regarding your caveat, I’d have to agree with you. I had honestly never thought about that. I’ve been with someone who I wasn’t that compatible with. We had great sex when we had it, but we NEVER had it often enough. And lets not even get on oral. If I got it every 6 months I’d be lucky. (GRRRR). So I will definitely add it to my list. Though, I’m not at all sure how I’d broach that subject. I can image sitting across from them at dinner or on the sofa after a movie and saying, “So what technique do you implore when giving oral sex? Anal? Not into it huh? Oh. thats cool! LOL!

      Thanks for your feedback! You rock!

      • artisan219 June 6, 2014 at 1:44 pm #

        Guy code is very much overrated. It basically implies that as long as we perpetuate certain stereotypes as men, we can lower the expectations of women just so we don’t have to try. And then men get mad at the guys that actually do what they’re supposed to because we make them look bad. And I’m not trying to turn this on women, but it’s one of those things that will last only as long as it’s tolerated. If women expect more out of men, then eventually men have to meet that standard.

        I like to make my girl happy, and yes, in all fairness I have a better chance of doing horribly deviant things to her when she’s happy, but that’s not supposed to be the point. My stepfather was emotionally abusive to my mom, and basically she became a captive whore*. She couldn’t raise me and my two brothers on her own income, and sex was the only thing she could use to keep him in the picture and it really damaged all of us. I still do not have a very good relationship with my mother, but that’s due to other drama. But it really gave me an insight to the way in which I wanted to conduct my own relationships.

        Sex is supposed to be fun. It’s not a treat because we took you out. We’re not six and we didn’t win the spelling bee. We’re grown men and we took you out because you want a night out and my team didn’t make the next round in the Stanley Cup finals. We as guys are for the most part very easy going. You make the point that going with the flow is for high schoolers. I disagree slightly. Playing the field is for high schoolers. All men go with the flow, you just have to understand that as women, you are the flow. We go where you go. If you want to be exclusive, then that’s the flow. And yeah, maybe we don’t have strong opinions on what color you want to paint the living room (I do, but I was an art major and I get color theory), but we do get that painting the living room makes you happy. Really what drives men crazy is that most of us have no clue what it is that you want. He might not understand WHY you feel the living room needs $150 worth of Velspar robin’s egg blue, new lamps, and sixteen throw pillows. Men are, generally speaking, practical, and while not all of us are cheap, we’d rather just spend that money taking you out or doing something. We have to be told that nesting is a date and by making home feel more homey, we are taking you out and we are doing something, it just doesn’t feel as tangible for most men.

        I will likely continue to add feedback, but I have a stroller to get out of the closet and I have a step-daughter to pick up from kindergarten, because that’s where the flow is taking me today.

        * Commentor’s Note: I do not use the word whore lightly, but I mean it exactly as it sounds, unfortunately. My mom was demeaned for four years in that relationship and that’s how she was treated. I know a woman that works in the sex industry and I don’t think anyone gets to that point without some desperation, but I don’t demean her for doing it. Hell, most men wish they could get paid for sex. I will say this much: Not only should escorting be legal (explain to me who the victim is in that ‘crime’) but escorts should have psychology certificates, because the men that need escorts have issues that keep them from getting actual girlfriends. And also as an advocate for women’s rights, I find that legalizing the sex industry would offer protection for some of the most vulnerable women in the country. Let’s face it, in a prostitution bust, the guy that booked the appointment and paid for the exchange is not going to be reprimanded but she has the potential to face felony charges. Ridiculous.

      • artisan219 June 6, 2014 at 3:26 pm #

        I just realized I didn’t comment on one part of that (gasp!).

        ” I can image sitting across from them at dinner or on the sofa after a movie and saying, “So what technique do you implore when giving oral sex? Anal? Not into it huh? Oh. thats cool!” LOL!”

        You get to a point right before you actually get to sex that you’re going to start hinting at it more. I recommend going to see a steamy movie. I do know a couple or two that watch porn together, but honestly I could never get into that. Don’t get me wrong, you’d be amazed at my internet history, we just have very different tastes in porn and so it just doesn’t work for us as a mutual activity. Watch something that you know is going to be risque and you can make casual comments. “Oh, just like that huh? This guy is all about him.” or “Tell you what, do that to me for fifteen minutes, all bets are off.”

        As for cunnilingus, I could do that all day (and according to former-President Clinton oral sex is not cheating). I suggest the following scenario. You watch your steamy movie at your place, because this is going to be on your terms. You wear a skirt, and I know that sounds kind of cheap, but hear me out on this. You finish the movie, you make out on the couch, and then when you’re ready, all of a sudden you slouch down, kinda part your knees and see if he takes the hint. If he does, keep him there. Too many guys phone that in. I’m sure most women have given a guy oral and gotten to a point of “how long does he expect me to do this?” so it’s only fair to keep him there till you get something out of it. I could wear my girl like a scarf and I’m sorry that I’ve now given you that visual, but it’s just one of my favorite things.

        If he doesn’t go for it, you don’t have to go for him. You need to know beforehand that your man will both reciprocate his own expectations, and respect your boundaries. You should be able to have a heavy petting situation without him expecting oral or penetration. Petting may seem like high school stuff, but it means you trust him enough to start but you need to see that he’s okay with what you’re not willing to do. If he pushes you to go beyond that, that’s not cool. My only addendum would simply be to ask women not to start something they’re not prepared to finish.

        If you get into petting, and that’s all you want to do, that’s cool, just finish. I’m not trying to diminish a woman’s right to say no. Petting does not green light oral, and oral does not green light penetration. I’m just saying I’ve been in a situation where she’s been yes, yes, ah, you know what, not tonight. Women are like bonfires as far as their libidos go. You can just go hotter and hotter and burn brighter and brighter, and that’s the pinnacle of being female is that you can have successive orgasms. Men, on the other hand, just because of our sexual anatomy, are much more finite in that regard. Our libido works as a boiler. If we go too hot without release, it is physically uncomfortable, and I can tell you women that it is physically painful, not to mention the emotional frustration and embarrassment, to walk back to the car and drive home with an erection.


  1. Guy Code Decoded! Must read for women! | The Hitt List - June 9, 2014

    […] Thursday I wrote a post titled Single? Then read this before you have sex! It was based on an article I stumbled upon while surfing the internet. The article itself was […]

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