Finni…the end. For real.

30 Jul

I don’t have a deep or funny intro to this blog post. This is just what I learned about moving on from a relationship that dominated my life for almost a decade. I wish I knew in November of 2012 what I know now. But then again, if I knew then what I know now I would not be who I am today. So in the spirit of sharing and being transparent, which is the only way I know how to write I’m sharing a very, VERY intimate part of myself. Hopefully someone will learn from it. Or at the very least, not feel so alone.

Moving on and letting go are not the same things

The longest relationship I had been in, prior to my last one was around 2 years give or take a few months. I won’t say that it was easy to get over the loss and move on but it wasn’t the hardest thing to do either. He was as obnoxious as he was emotionally abusive and when it was over I was happy to be rid of him. I moved on and let go, rather quickly.

My last relationship was a lot harder. The moving on part was fairly easy. I moved 40 miles from where we previously shared a home. I moved my attention away from building and starting a life with him and onto building a new life, with a new house and a new job. Moving on was like a mental game. And for a person who thrives on strategy I felt like somehow I had won. I was living and thriving in my new life.

BUT….I would still wonder. Still hurt. Still cry. Still return to thoughts of “what could I have done better”? “What could we have done better”? The feelings of not only failing but feeling failed would creep back in as small reminders. It took 15 months before I could even look at a wedding or wedding dress and not dissolve into a puddle of tears and grief.

I recently read somewhere that for every month you are in a relationship you need a week to heal and deal with the loss. Considering that equation I would need 18 months to not only move on but to let go. To let go of the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, the loss and the what if’s. That seems like a long ass time. But when I realize it’s been 20 months and just in the last months do I really feel like I’ve left go do I realize how true that really is.

I wish I had given myself permission to take as long as I needed to heal. I wish I had not been so hard on myself and judged myself so critically for just wanting him back and wanting him to love me. I wish I had allowed myself to be human and flawed and vulnerable and weak. Because rather I allowed those things or not, they happened. There were going to happen. With or without my permission and I needed those things to happen so that I could finally, definitively let go.

It’s the none divorce, divorce

I’ve never been married so I don’t know what a divorce actually feels like. However, I imagine it feels something like this. My ex is an amazing person. Over the course of our relationship he slowly stepped into the role of my son’s father and even though we are no longer together he made a commitment to continue in that role. In THAT role he has never wavered and I respect him for that. He is involved in every aspect of my son’s life and while I will never be able to repay that debt, I appreciate it more than anything that has ever happened in my life, but it’s made it decidedly more difficult to let go. At times it seemed as if we were still one big happy family. Except, we weren’t. And those lines were blurred so much that there were times I forgot the line existed. Until of course he reminded me. With his words, and with his actions.

At times, I wished it was an actual divorce. I wish I had a piece of paper to be accountable to. A piece of paper that told me it was over and time to move on because everyone had agreed as indicated by the joint signatures on the official divorce decree. Because there have been times my heart would forget and with each reminder an already fragmented part of my heart broke a little bit more. It would be like walking bare foot against a freshly polished floor, unknowingly stepping on a tiny, infinitesimal shard of glass and lifting your foot just in time to see a gush of blood seep from the nearly invisible wound. Just small enough to know the cause of wound. Just hard enough to remove.

While you don’t stop walking on the floor, you do eventually wisen up and wear shoes or slippers to protect your feet.

No more intimate moments

Not having sex with your ex is a given. Everyone knows that rule, regardless if they follow it or not. I can’t lie and say I didn’t fall into the trap of snuggling up with my ex a time or two (or ten)…It was easy and comfortable and pleasurable. But not having sex is the easy part. The part that was not so easy was severing the emotional connection. For more than six years my ex was the person I talked to about everything and confided in. My friends, my family, my money, my child and even him. We texted first thing in the morning, followed by a call, then a quick chat on the car ride to work before the barrage of emails and chat convos throughout the day. The conversations varied from work, to politics, to pop culture to anything that happen to pop up in our news feeds throughout day. The intimacy was deep, complex and real.

Until I realized that it was the last remaining fabric holding us together. It was our crutch. Not just mine but his. It allowed us to have the intimacy and vulnerability that we craved without having to risk being hurt or failing with someone else. In order to truly move on, I couldn’t cut the cord, I had to rip it apart so a new cord could be formed with someone else. Spiritually this is referred to as breaking soul ties. But in my natural existence, it means he could no longer be to me what he once was even if there was no one to take his place. The friendship had to end. And that was harder to sever than the relationship. But necessary.

There is a scientific law called Pauli’s Exclusion Principle that states two things can not occupy the same space at the same time. This applies to science as well as love. You have to close a door to open another. And finally…it is closed.


The Mistress of All Things Fabulous


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